Dear past me,

I forgive you.

I used to blame you, but I no longer do.
I’ve spent countless hours revisiting the past and blaming you for everything, for things that were not your fault and I am sorry.
I know now.
I know you did everything you could.
I know you did the best with what, and who, you had.
I know you did it all for you, for me – for us.

I know growing up was difficult for you.
I know you felt like you weren’t protected or safe.
I know you were made to feel small and that your feelings didn’t matter.
I know you were made to think you didn’t have a voice or a say for yourself.
I know you were made to feel that wearing makeup, doing your hair or dressing nice was wrong. It only meant that you were stuck up and that you only cared about yourself.
I know you regret letting things bring you down and having that affect your social life.
I know you were told to take your own life and you considered it.
I know you wish you could have been a better friend, and overall person, during these years.
I know you always say you would never go back and redo these years, but I know you would.
I know you believed it all.
I know you didn’t feel loved.
I know you were angry.
I know you only knew chaos and it felt like it was normal and right.
You didn’t understand how wrong and toxic it all was, but I do now.

I know adulthood has been a struggle because of the things you’ve held onto from the past.
I know the past made you into an anxious and scared adult, afraid to try new things or go out of your comfort zone.
I know it felt like you were drowning and no one could save you, not even yourself.
I know you spent countless hours alone, feeling sorry for yourself instead of making things better.
I know you regret losing family and friends over your own relationship that wasn’t even worth saving.
I know you were in a dark place and made a mistake you wish you could take back because it still haunts you today.
I know you felt like you had no one to talk to, no one to help, and nowhere to go.
I know that instead of asking for help you always shut down.
I know you wish you took life more seriously back then and that you built a better future for yourself.
I know things were hard and that’s okay.
You didn’t know any better.
You had to learn for yourself.
And you did.

I know that you did your best because you proved it the past four years.

Four years ago you decided to choose yourself.
You decided to walk away from old toxic ways, behaviors and relationships.
You chose building a life for yourself, by yourself, alone.

And it was scary. It was one of the scariest things you’ve ever done.
You strengthened old relationships that needed attention while also making new friends and connections.
You graduated college.
You got a new job and got a promotion in under a year.
You bought a car.
You got an apartment and lived on your own for the first time in your life.
You grew.
You didn’t think you could, but you did.
You did all that.
You started the best journey of your life, you didn’t know it, but I do now.

Two years ago a global pandemic hit and the world would never be the same.

You fell backwards on the progress you made and everything was different.
You were living and working home alone. You felt trapped.
You drank more.
You started spending more of your time gaming and less time communicating with family or friends.
You ordered takeout most nights.
You started questioning every decision you ever made again.
When bans were lifted every so often, you started spreading yourself short with plans to make up for lost time.
You started spending nights with men who didn’t know your worth.
You were always there for others and sometimes it felt like they weren’t there for you.
It felt like you were spiraling backwards.
I know you felt angry and exhausted.
I know you didn’t know how to fix it.
But you did.

You took control.
You found new passions and hobbies that helped your mental health.
You started hiking and going on nature walks which quickly became a great way for you to decompress.
You started running and workout out more.
You started drawing again.
You found ways to spend time with your loved ones while also making time for yourself.
You stopped giving yourself to others who didn’t deserve you.
You found a balance.

Once you started changing your mind and your focus, things started to fall into place.
You cut off more toxic relationships and kept the ones worth saving.
You found love again.
You continued to explore your passions and hobbies.
You found new hobbies with your significant other.
You started journaling your thoughts to clear your mind.
You stopped asking everyone for their thoughts on your life.
You continued to hike mountains and visit the ocean.
You made time for sunsets and sunrises.
You put yourself first.
You fell in love with yourself again.
You created a healthy and happy life for yourself.

I know your past.
I know it was hard.
And I know you did what you thought was best.
You made it through every single one of your bad days.
You made it through every obstacle that was in your way.
You took the world by storm.
And I am proud of you.

Now I am here writing this, confident yet vulnerable, because of you.
Continuing to put myself first.
Dealing with my past traumas.
Finding healthy ways to take care of myself.
Being in a happy and healthy relationship with my significant other and myself.
I still have bad days, but I know how to deal with them better now.
I know there is always a rainbow after the storm.
I found my fight.
I am still here fighting it because of you.

So, thank you.
I no longer blame you.
I know now.
And I forgive you.

Sincerely,

Your happy, grateful and worthy future self